Bollywood on Aspi's Drift

Videonama: The hidden language of 'Kurbaan Hua'

Aspi — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 06:59:00 -0800

Regardless of the hoopla surrounding Kurbaan (and its good when a movie that tackles a multi-faceted subject evokes a lot of debate - no matter how ludicrous), I haven't seen it yet. But what I have been enjoying is the video for the song Kurbaan Hua.

For a film that deals with Muslim identity and conflict, it's flagship video is chock full of biblical imagery. Now you could tell me "Dude, all monotheistic religions are inter-derivative". To which I'd say "Dude, if I wanted a lesson, I'd go to school". It's much more fun looking at moving pictures instead.

This image conjures up visions of sin, punishment and the seeking of absolution. Why is it raining? Rain = time tested symbol for Outpouring of Emotion, usually sadness or regret.

A rose explodes into flames - which could mean many things: (a) A romance that went up in flames (b) A love that became the source of betrayal or (c) a new, really funky Food Network show with Rose Flambé recipes.

The unabomber look on Saif conjures up mystery and danger. Leaves swirling around represent an impending storm. Plus, it's all a buildup for an Ooh moment when Saif takes off the jacket and does his best to look sexy with his hair flying around.

A barking, rabid BLACK dog evokes the feeling of being hunted. Dog owners should unite and protest this kind of stuff if you ask me.

A woman dressed in tattered lace appears with kohl streaked eyes - which led me to believe that Kurbaan is about a woman who starts with the expectation of a good life that ends up horribly wrong.

A woman tries to escape her fashion choice. Since Vidya Balan is not in this movie, you have to believe there is another interpretation here. Let's try this: Fashion represents Life, you do the math.

Well, we all know what a circling vampire chick means. Wait, actually I don't! What DOES this add up to?

The story of Adam and Eve is well-documented in the Quran. Here Eve succumbs to temptation and Satan is a green (the color of envy, one of those deadly sins) slithering snake. Why are Adam and Even wearing glitter makeup on their faces and leaves in their hair? Its cinematic!

Easily the most awesome imagery in the song. A girl achieves a state of extreme yogic control and starts levitating while Saif frets underneath. Her passive expression and spreadeagled arms seem to represent crucifixion and a sense of being prosecuted while innocent.

Great balls of fire! One of my favorites. Actually its concentric rings of fire - but they'll do. Saif is in the middle. Saif is trapped! Or this is a movie about a circus - which we know it isn't (but that depends on your point of view)

You can watch the video for Kurbaan Hua on YouTube. Music by Salim-Sulaiman. Vocals by Vishal Dadlani. Hugely entertaining video, guys - congratulations!

Thanks to Dilli Ki Sardi for the link to the controversy surrounding the movie

Aamir Khan and Akshay Kumar at the Box Office: Karma runs on hair!

Aspi — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:03:00 -0800

A long time ago, I noticed a strange co-relation between the box office performance of two of our biggest stars - Aamir Khan and Akhsay Kumar - and the length of their hair. (Original post: Aamir and Akshay at the Box Office: A hair raising trend)

I predicted the box office performance of their upcoming movies purely on the basis of how they would wear their hair. Hells Bells! I was right. Clearly, I had stumbled on something that renowned physicists or any of UK's hot line Pandit Maharajs or Peer Sahibs were unable to figure out.

It's time to take a look at Aamir and Akshay's hair-raising performance again and make another set of predictions.

The shorter Aamir Khan's hair is, the better his movie performs at the box office. Based on the data below, my prognosis for his upcoming 3 Idiots is that it will be a hit - somewhere in between the general hitness of Fanaa and Tare Zameen Par. Why? Because the length of his hair in 3 Idiots is somewhere in between.

Aamir's Movie	Length of Hair	Box Office
Mangal Pandey (2005)	Long	Flopistan
Fanaa (2006)	Medium	Hit!
Tare Zameen Par (2007)	Short	Super Hit!!
Ghajini (2008)	Miniscule	Blockbuster!!!
3 Idiots (2009)	Short	Prognosis: Super Hit!

The box office performance of Akshay Kumar goes down the shorter his hair is. In this he is the opposite of Aamir Khan. Check out the table below for definitive proof. The anomaly in there is his 2009 hit Kambakkht Ishq in which his hair was short (not to mention it had been chewed at from the front by a parrot-like bird or small animal). But we all know that this was a movie that was a hated by everyone except Akshay, his producer and Kareena (because she got to stick it to mom with that Skinemax performance). So it doesn't count.

Fortunately for Akshay, happier times may be just around the corner. He wears his hair at medium length in his upcoming comedy De Dana Dan. My prognosis is that it will be a hit. Hang in there Akki, happy days are here again!

Akshay's Movie	Length of Hair	Box Office
Bhool Bhulaiyaa (2007)	Medium	Hit!
Tashan (2008)	Short	Flopistan
Singh is Kinng (2008)	Long	Super Hit!
Chandni Chowk to China (2009)	Short	Flopistan
8x10 Tasveer (2009)	Short	Flopistan
Kambakhht Ishq (2009)	Short	Hit! (what yaar?!)
Blue (2009)	Short	Flopistan
De Dana Dan (2009)	Medium	Prognosis: Hit!

Why Aladin had to go to Flopistan

Aspi — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:01:00 -0800

About a week ago, Sujoy Ghosh's Aladin was one of the year's most anticipated releases. It had a lot going for it: it was a modern reboot of a world famous fairy tale, it starred India's most successful box office star ever - Amitabh Bachchan, it promised dazzling special effects, the release was during the Indian holiday season and a significant portion of the star team put their backs into the pre-release promos via twitter.

Initial word on Aladin seemed to be good. But once it opened, the bad buzz gathered steam. It got loud. Aladin opened to poor collections and landed itself firmly on the road to Flopistan.

I saw Aladin on opening weekend. I thought the movie was hugely ambitious and raised the bar for fantasy films, the mythology was neatly set up, the characters were underwritten, the costumes were great, the makeup was tardy in parts, the SFX were generally good (minus a few trees that looked painted in). But the whole thing just fell apart in the last 30 minutes or so.

Still Aladin deserved a better fate. So what happened?

No one likes stuff they can't make sense of
There was plenty of this in Aladin. In fact they ran the gamut - all the way from 'people who are terrible cooks should not be able to run a long standing restaurant' to 'an ex-genie with awesome powers can't possibly allow a wimp to snatch the big doozy from under his nose at the last minute'. Asking an audience to come along on a flight of fancy is one thing - but forcing them to suspend belief is entirely another.

The curse of the second half
For most of the first half Aladin hummed along nicely if not spectacularly. There is a reason for this - desi movies really connect with audiences when they depict courtship. Its thrilling, its exciting - its everything good about Indian movies. Then when its time to propel the story in a sensible fashion, all hell breaks loose. Aladin finished with an underwhelming climax in which people fought each other in entirely nutty ways.

The three wishes: Me, Myself and I
What's thrilling about the story of Aladin? Ok, other than the fact that a genie springs out of a lamp? The three wishes, right? A promise of infinite power - the ability to transform your life just by asking. What does our hero do? He asks for a girl to fall for him, then changes his mind, then says, no - I want her after all but in a slightly different way. Those were the three wishes. Sheesh! You'd think a guy who had been bullied all his life might ask for something else. The idea behind the wimpiness of the wishes is to show Aladin as a pristine character who gains his chick and stops the villain without magic. Fair enough - but dude, you could gotten rid of world hunger or stopped global warming. How would that have been for a modern retelling of an old fairy tale?

Twitter fans don't make up Box Office numbers
The director (Sujoy Ghosh), the music composers (Vishal and Shekhar), the actors (Riteish and Jacquelyn Fernandez) put a lot of energy into promoting the movie via twitter. They racked up nearly 25,000 followers between them. They had fans genuflecting on the site when the movie opened. Twitter remains a great way to interact with fans and build a fan base. But these fans don't make up the numbers when it comes to filling up multiplexes. Yet.

Everyone's a critic
Indian film audiences are a tough lot - reviews from critics don't faze them. They tend to decide for themselves. And they are ruthless in their judgement. A movie can't afford to connect with critics or specific luminaries or slices of fan boys and have that translate into box office performance - it has to impress the masses. It's the equivalent of having to swing for the fences - which makes very dicey propositions out of movies like Aladin that break the norm.

Amitabh Bachchan can't open movies by himself
India's biggest box office draw in history isn't so hot at the box office anymore. He's revered, he's loved - but that doesn't mean he fills seats on opening weekend. But we do love him - even when he hams.

The soundtrack didn't help - or did it?
The songs of Aladin - composed by Vishal and Shekhar - got a checkered reception. For the record, I was vastly entertained - the soundtrack was innovative and took chances (V-S tied the songs closely to key high points in Amitabh's musical career). The decision to have Sunjay Dutt sing Giri, Giri might have robbed the movie of a power single, but it created a gleefully evil song - easily my favorite track on the CD. And Vishal and Shekhar have dealt with this kind of reaction before - when they released the music for Dostana. But that movie was a huge hit and the songs ended up becoming the biggest of the composers' career.

Kiddie Movies aren't a valid market in India - yet
The fact that India is a setup where a child can walk into any movie and watch it with his or her parents blurs the line between kiddie and adult entertainment. Movies that are entirely oriented to younger audiences tend to be ridiculous in India. Aladin gets some credit for being smarter than those films. But it might have confused its target audience with its desire to play across ages.

Posternama: The secret language of movie posters

Aspi — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:01:00 -0700

There are many ways movies get promoted these days: youtube previews, celeb interviews, appearances on TV shows and - if you happen to be part of Balaji Telefilms - a mention or two on a saas- bahu serial. Of all these, probably because of my passionate love for comics, movie posters remain my favorite.

Because they have the task of communicating so much with so little, the design of movie posters is an art in and of itself. Granted movie posters don't sell Bollywood flicks, but I thought I'd check in on them to see how well they were doing their job.

I looked at posters for several major upcoming flicks this year. Then I read their previews and watched theatrical trailers to see if the message in the poster matched the purported plot. Here are the results.

Movie: Aladin
Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Riteish Deshmukh, Jacqueline Fernandez, Sanjay Dutt
Release: October 31

What the poster says: Its a love story (note: Riteish and Jackie in the middle) with a smoking (read: magical) lamp. There is a bad guy who wants the lamp and will grimace fiercely to get it (Amitabh). A laid back sleepy circus ringmaster types (Sanjay Dutt) is also in this movie and seems to be pissing Amitabh off. There is a bridge with lightening bolts in the back indicating much peril is at hand.

What the previews say: Amitabh is the genie, you dummy, not the bad guy. The bad guy is actually the somewhat bored looking Sanjay Dutt. Looks can be deceiving huh? Watch the Preview.

Movie: London Dreams
Starring: Salman Khan, Ajay Devgun, Asin
Release: October 31

What the poster says: This is a story about stars (note the cutouts of the O's in the title) - probably rock stars because one of them (that chick in the middle) is holding a guitar and wearing what appears to be a patka. There are two men in this movie, possibly vying for the chick because one girl in a movie with two eligible men is bad news for bros. This girl might be part human, part ghost because she is partly in black and white and partly in color. Salman also appears to be taller than Asin and Ajay (hey, what happened to truth in advertising?)

What the previews say: London Dreams is a movie about a rock star and his best friend in the khet who joins him in London and steals his gal - who appears to be quite human and unlike a ghost. Ajay Devgun gets lots of opportunities to display his best expression - pissed off. Watch the preview.

Movie: Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani
Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Katrina Kaif
Release: November 6

What the poster says: Young, cute lovers! Ranbir is in slacker cool threads. Katrina is trying to channel a Harajuku girl. Ranbir looks adoringly at Katrina who mugs for the camera. Does this mean the man does the chasing? Quite possibly. The title is built with thought and speech bubbles on a thin book layout indicating this is a comic book-like movie with a voice that might be the audience's own. Now, about the plot - we may not have one.

What the previews say: We don't have a plot, but we have young, cute lovers doing adorable, funny things. Watch the preview.

Movie: Jail
Starring: Neil Nitin Mukesh
Release: November 6

What the poster says: Its a love story but the dude (Neil Nitin Mukesh) ends up in jail. He probably ends up thinking a lot about Mughda Godse while he is in jail. Its a dark, gritty movie. The only color is red - indicator of either danger or passion. Guess which emotion this poster is channeling?

What the previews say: Neil Nitin Mukesh is accused of something. He looks confounded. Mughda frets but looks unsure if her lover is innocent. Neil gets shipped off to jail. He gets roughed up. Its starts to look ominous for him. Sheesh, what a downer! Watch the preview.

Movie: Kurbaan
Starring: Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor
Release: November 20

What the poster says: We have two hot stars - who are both near naked. You still want to know more? Ok you dweeb - Kareena's wistful look indicates concern. Saif's guilty, downcast look indicates a promise that he can't fulfill. Saif's bullet wound and flowing blood indicate mortal danger. The title 'Some love stories have blood on them' along with the image conjures up a B-grade soft core thriller.

What the previews say: Hells bells, this movie is a terrorist thriller. But there are two hot stars. They are both near naked sometimes. And they make out. Then, everyone runs around. Watch the preview.

Movie: Rocket Singh Salesman of the Year
Starring: Ranbir Kapoor
Release: December 11

What the poster says: This movie is about a guy called Rocket Singh. Such an adorable name, no? And to go with that we have Ranbir dressed like a surd. He's dapper and playful - we know this because of the paper airplane in the back. He's hazaar-enthu - we know this because of the washing powder Nirma type halo around him. He's ready to take over the world - we know this because he's offering us his business card. The business card cleverly masquerades as the movie's credits, thus indicating that this is a funda wala movie. Which all means - yes, we don't have a plot.

What the previews say: Ranbir is a dapper, playful, hazaar-enthu salesman. Yes, we don't have a plot. But its still early days, yes? Watch the preview.

Movie: 3 Idiots
Starring: Aamir Khan
Release: December 25

What the poster says: This is a movie about three men. The chalkboard font seems to indicate a classroom. This impression is further reinforced by scribblings on the wall. The men are banished from looking at the camera - suggesting that they are in trouble in class and possibly in detention. They are sitting on seats that look like gigantic molded butts. This reinforces that the guys are idiots or perceived as such. They are probably the butt of all jokes.

What the previews say: No previews yet. But you can bet the whole ensemble cast bit will be dropped come trailer time and we'll see much more of Aamir Khan.

Movie titles: Bollywood ban gaya gentleman!

Aspi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:01:00 -0700

Just the other day someone brought up the fact that the local theater was playing no less than five Hindi movies. But only one of them (Main Aur Mrs. Khanna) sounded like one. All the others had English titles (All the Best, Do Knot Disturb, Wake Up Sid and Blue).

Pity the occasional American movie goer who walks into a movie on the spur of the moment without reading up on it and ends up sitting in, say, Do Knot Disturb.

I thought I'd do another Drift Analysis that was Frivolous and Timely - DAFT for short. I looked at Hindi movie releases from 2004 onwards. Why did I pick to rewind to that specific year? Because that was all the data I could find online. Yes, this is how DAFT analyses work!

Bollywood put out 105 releases in 2004. I divided up the titles into Hindi, English and Hinglish. There were 80 Hindi titles (Lakhsya, Masti, Hum Tum), 18 English titles (Love in Nepal, Murder, Run) and 7 in Hinglish (Aan - Men at Work, Shart - The Challenge).

By the time 2009 is done with, Bollywood will have put out 135 releases - the highest since I started counting. There will be 61 titles in Hindi, 46 in English and 28 in Hinglish. In other words, by the time we see the turn of the decade, Bollywood movie titles might well be split evenly between languages.

So what's the idea behind this trend in movie titles? In Gumnaan se ghajini tak, udtahaathi dug into the frolic and intent of Bollywood movie titles. We'll focus here entirely on the use of English.

The decline of Hindi titles began in 2005 thanks to the combined rise of English and Hinglish titles. In 2007, English titles took a generational leap forward. This seems to be prompted by several events. The urban Indian and overseas markets became viable money makers for Indian cinema. More importantly producers and distributors learned how to reach them. Indian artistes began legitimate, market-driven collaborations with overseas artistes.

English titles largely end up being simple one or two word names (Plan, Girlfriend, Victory, Fox, Little Zizou) and evoke visions of a (relatively) sophisticated, urban flick.

Hinglish titles are basically of two types. There are the expository ones (Vaada Raha...I promise, Shaabash! You can do it!). This walking on the fence type titles feel clunky and pandering to people who don't really understand Hindi all that well (e.g. overseas audiences). Then there are those that mix and match words to create something that sounds unique. Some sound cool (Sankat City), others not so much (Love Khichdi) but this depends entirely on your point of view.

So what's the trend like? Over the years Hindi titles have fallen from 76% in 2004 to 45% in 2009. In the same period the winners were Hinglish titles (7% to 21%) and English titles (17% to 34%).

Is this trend purely market driven? Have our filmmakers started articulating their thoughts bilingually? Is this entirely reflected by the audience as well? Most importantly how do audiences orient themselves to titles in different languages?

I'll leave you with one additional piece of data. Here is the success scorecard for this year: of the 4 hits and 3 successes we've had so far, two had Hindi titles (Kambakkht Ishq, Kaminey), one had a Hinglish title (Love Aaj Kal) and four had English titles (New York, Wanted, Life Partner, Wake Up Sid).

Inside Sonal Sehgal's mann ka radio: An interview with the star of Himesh Reshammiya's new movie

Aspi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:01:00 -0700

How much is riding on the new December release Radio? A lot. Three careers worth to be precise.

After a reality check at the box office with last year's Karzzzz, multi-hyphenate talent Himesh Reshammiya needs a hit to get his career as an actor off life support. Shenaz Treasuryvala, after spending some time in movie wilderness, attempts to reboot her career.

Finally Sonal Sehgal - whose acting debut occurred in the still unreleased Aashayein (John Abraham) - will make her box office debut here. Blessed with near perfect movie star features (Dreamy eyes, check! Creamy skin, check! Dazzling smile, check! Pearly whites so perfectly aligned they could have participated in China's 60th Anniversary Celebrations, check!) Sonal will attempt to connect with urban audiences in what Himesh likes to call 'a modern love story'.

There's more to Sonal of course. For example, recently on Salman's Dus Ka Dum with her costars to promote her flick she showed killer dexterity with a pyjame ka naada. (2:20 in this YouTube video). I kid!

I thought it'd be fun to have Sonal tell us more about her impending movie career launch.

AspisDrift.com: Sonal, welcome to the Drift . You look fabulous in the promos! Might I also add that I think you have the most gorgeous shoulders in Bollywood!

Sonal: That's a first! Lol...thank you

AspisDrift.com: There’s much talk about your new film Radio. How are you feeling? Nervous? Excited? Hopeful? Terrified?

Sonal: Nervous, excited, hopeful and terrified.

AspisDrift.com: How did you get cast in Radio?

Sonal: Before Radio, I shot another film with Himesh for Studio 18, called Ishq Unplugged. The director of Radio, Ishan Trivedi saw my work and offered me Radio

AspisDrift.com: This woman you play in Radio: what’s she like? Give us her story.

Sonal: Of all the films I've shot (that's four, in the last two years - all awaiting release) I have the most challenging character in Radio.

My character, Pooja, evolves a lot through the film. You see her in the beginning as a headstrong woman, very focused about what she wants: She is today's woman, who will not compromise with her happiness.

When Pooja and Vivan's (Himesh's character) marriage faces compatibility issues, she suggests divorce and that they continue as friends. And they do. (I know what you are thinking...this is a huge step for Bollywood. It is!)

Once they are back to being friends she even encourages him to date Shanaya (Shehnaz's character). When they do start dating, she feels jealous. It's almost child-like jealousy.

And then...watch the film!!

AspisDrift.com: We are huge Himesh fans on this blog so I have to ask you this: what was your first impression of your lead actor?

Sonal: Honestly, before I met Himesh, I had the same opinion of him as everybody else...arrogant, very talented musician, but can he act? But after one meeting, it all changed.

He is very humble, willing to learn, listens to criticism and is very, very hardworking. You will see with this movie how he has grown as an actor. And it is for all to see how he has re-invented himself with his look and sound.

AspisDrift.com: I’ve heard Himesh is really intense on the sets. But he’s always singing on those TV shows. Did he break into impromptu song on the sets?

Sonal: What you've heard is correct. He is very focused on the sets. There's no song n dance. He knows he's still a newcomer where acting is concerned and so puts in a 1000%. He is always rehearsing his lines, trying to improvise, getting it perfect even before the camera rolls.

AspisDrift.com: All right last Himesh question although a bit indirect: what is your favorite song on the Radio soundtrack and why?

Sonal: Piya jaise ladoo (Rekha Bhardwaj, Himesh). That shehnai piece in the beginning just arrests you!!

AspisDrift.com: I have to ask you one question based on the Radio promo. Your husband Naresh Kamath is an all round rock star and often tours. When he is away have you ever like laid a plate for him and pretended to feed his empty chair? Come on now, be honest!

Sonal: Ha ha ha...But there is a story I'd like to tell. As a kid, my mum had allocated the duty of laying the dining table to me. So everyday I would put four plates for mum, dad, my sister and myself. When my sister got married and moved out, I would still lay four plates...just in case she dropped by to eat with us.

I really missed her!

AspisDrift.com: Sonal, tell us a bit about yourself. Where did you grow up and go to school?

Sonal: I grew up in Delhi and studied all the way till college in Delhi.

AspisDrift.com: There is a great story about how you ended up in front of the camera once. Mind telling us that story again? Please!

Sonal: I used to assist Pradeep Sarkar (Parineeta). We were shooting the video for Euphoria's ‘Maeri’, on the 1st of Jan. Obviously, we had a tough time finding two models. Nobody wanted to sacrifice their New Year Eve plans. So I was asked to step in. Little did I know that would be my first step in my ascent to bollywood!

AspisDrift.com: You’ve acted before on TV and now on film. What was the single biggest adjustment you had to make in front of the camera and off it?

Sonal: Working in TV is like being a daily wage labourer in a factory! You work 27 days a month,14 hrs a day, no weekends off. And God forbid if you fall sick, you get thrown out of the show. That happened to me. I had an accident while shooting for Kasauti Zindagi Ki, the doctor advised bed rest for two weeks and I lost my job! TV is grueling and ruthless.

Films are way more organized. They want you to look good and fresh, so resting is taken into account. Scripts do not change according to weekly TRPs. And now with the new face of Indian cinema, characters are becoming more and more real (no sati savitri and vamp characters).

AspisDrift.com: I was in India in September and I saw all these pictures of you at parties wearing some super stylish black outfit. Are you a bit of a stylista in the making?

Sonal: If I wasn't an actor, I'd be a designer! In fact I cleared the NIFT (most prestigious fashion design school in India) exam, and while I was waiting for college to start (a period of 2 months) I started assisting Pradeep Sarkar (just for a lark, summer job). Then I fell in love with film making and never went back to NIFT.

AspisDrift.com: Seriously though, don’t all these outfits cost a lot? If I may ask what do you spend MOST of your money on? Rent? Clothes? Naresh’s audio equipment? Mobile bill? Eating out?

Sonal: Clothes are very expensive! And once you've been photographed in an outfit, you dare not repeat it coz then the press really rips you apart. So we spend on that, and Naresh's audio equipment! Do you have any idea how much electric guitars cost?!!

AspisDrift.com: Tell us a bit about Aashayein: what is your role in that movie like? And when is that movie coming out?

Sonal: Aashayein is slated for a Feb 2010 release.

I play this doting girlfriend who puts up with a reckless gambler boyfriend, played by John Abraham, only because she loves him just too much. He doesn't have a job, lives off her salary and even gambles with her money...till one day they hit a jackpot and everything changes!

AspisDrift.com: Ok, final question which is mandatory on the Drift: can you fold a fitted bed sheet properly?

Sonal: Ummm...uhhh...never needed to...yunno house help is very cheap in India...but m sure i can :)

AspisDrift.com: Sonal, thanks for doing this. My best to you for the release – I hope you become a major movie star! Let Naresh know Jee Le rocked!

Sonal: Thank you so much.

Also:
Sonal's screen debut in Euphoria's Maeri

Do chick digs guys who sing? Sonal explains on Dus Ka Dum

In Radio's Piya Jaise Ladoo promo

In the Aashayein song promo with John Abraham

Bollywood celebrities on Twitter: a guide for your timepass

Aspi — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:01:00 -0700

If last year was the Year of the Blog in Bollywood, this year is turning out to the year of Microblogging - more specifically twitter.

If you don't know what twitter is, think of it this way: its a way to connect with people who won't be your friend on Facebook. If you don't know what Facebook is, it might be time to have kids so they can teach you.

In any case, I decided to track Bollywood celebrity tweets on the Drift (you can see the stream in the middle column on this site). Following celeb tweets is much like watching a Govinda movie in the sense that if you are not a fan of Govinda, you won't enjoy it much.

Below I've reproduced the most prominent, more or less verified, Bollywood celebs on twitter with the number of people who are following them. If the rank in the list surprises you, note that on twitter the celeb who wins the most followers must not only possess fame but also demonstrate a sparkling personality and have time to tweet (yes, we fans are getting tougher to please).

For the techies among you, I have this Yahoo Pipe that I'll keep updated to follow celeb tweets. Feel free to use it any which way.

Celeb	Followers
Priyanka Chopra	66603
Karan Johar	25250
Gul Panag	21704
Mallika Sherawat	20482
Sonam Kapoor	18654
Imran Khan	15207
A. R. Rahman	14412
Uday Chopra	10827
Riteish Deshmukh	8491
Dino Morea	8171
Akshay Kumar	6932
Shreya Ghoshal	6267
Vishal Dadlani	5648
Ayesha Takia	3813
Tarun Mansukhani	3688
Konkana Sen Sharma	3608
Kailash Kher	2693
Shruti Haasan	1970
Shekhar Ravjiani	885
Goldie Behl	360
Ranvir Shorey	284
Madhavan	166

Note: Followers change hourly - my numbers were pulled on Monday

Dil Bole Hadippa versus Wanted - by guest blogger Pani Lookerjee

Aspi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:44:00 -0700

Greetings! I am Pani Lookerjee - dhinchak, super-hit actress. Sure I'm struggling a bit these days but who isn't yaar. I'm actually happy about my new film Dil Bole. Its going to be a hit. What I'm not happy about is that producer of Wanted, Boney Kapoor, shooting his mouth off about our movie.

Boney, first let me say ke tera bhalaa ho (yes, I'm still in character - that's how good I am as an actress). No one at Surcharge Films wishes you ill. But what man?! You've come out swinging against my film. This must be addressed - for too long women have kept mum and not spoken up!

First you've said "Let Aditya Chopra make films for multiplexes. I’m happy reaching out to the masses". Oye, sathiya gayaa hai kya! We make a film steeped in Punjabi culture. We have a song called Discowale Khisko. We have cricket in our movie and you say its not for the masses!

Then you said I looked like a schoolboy in that film. Old time heroines like Asha Parekh and Saira Banu did cross-dressing but got away with it because they were "buxom ladies" you said and were thus captivating.

You know Boney, I was trying to captivate my audiences with my gorgeous eyes and hoping they'd connect with me up there. Lekin if I ever act in one of YOUR movies, I'll just STICK MY EYES ON MY BOOBS THEN!

And the final straw. You said: "The corporate guys know only about paper-work, nothing about filmmaking. We need individual producers with vision to bail the industry out of its present crisis". Okey dokie Boney mere bhai - naam to hai Boney aur itnaa hataa kataa jo hai tu. Let me remind you: you took a hit Telugu movie - Pokiri - and remade it almost scene for scene. Wah, wah - kya originality hai and what ability to pick a hit hai ji.

Aur yeh kya? You are actually boasting that there was a gun fight during the movie? Next time, try to make an original movie - especially one that doesn't have stale double-meaning jokes and definitely not Fardeen or Celina. Then we'll talk.

The top desi reasons for divorce: Another Bollywood story

Aspi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:01:00 -0700

Boy, it seems a number of filmi people liked the idea of making a film on the world's biggest makkhichoos.

Sullen called and asked when the film would go on the floors. I told him I was the wrong person to contact. Defect Oberoi asked if he could be cast. I told him it was not in my hands. Mesmerya's secretary called and asked if I could find a role for Unabletoshake Bachchan. I politely declined. Himeshbhai called and told me he was upset I hadn't suggested his name in the cast. "Saala, feel this!" he yelled. Then he sang a song.

All of this has encouraged me to do more. I have one more idea based on the spiraling divorce rates in Gujarat.

Apparently Gujarat was in 6th place in the 2001 census when it came to couples' splitsville. And this number has been going up. The Baroda Bar Association (BBA) reported 485 divorces filed this year. Someone at the Times of India combed over the reasons cited in the filings and came up with a goldmine that would make a super movie.

Below I've reproduced the most popular reasons cited in courts in Vadodara for divorce (Times of India, 9/2/2008 - no online reference available)

Snores too much
Spends too much time talking/messaging on mobile
Never helps with household chores
Adds extra sugar in tea
Is not what I had expected from the matrimonial ad
Washes only own clothes
Has a lot of money but doesn't spend it on me
Didn't take me abroad as promised
Keeps eggs in fridge knowing that I am a vegetarian
Goes back to in-laws after every small argument
Doesn't talk to me properly
Too many mood swings
Comes home late, never takes me to the movies

If you ask me, none of these are good enough reasons to divorce anyone except for (4). But that's just me. Any student of pop psychology will tell you that these are merely triggers, the barood got loaded in the gun elsewhere.

But back to the movie: I think this could be a swell beheno maate chick flick with interwoven stories of say four relationships: one great marriage, one bad one, one mediocre one and a couple planning to tie the knot. You can figure out the rest: the movie explores reasons for divorce. The great marriage ends up on the rocks. The bad one ends up working well. The mediocre one ends up in divorce. This precipitates a crisis with the couple, but in the end they do get married and you can end the movie with a wedding - a sure fire way to wow female audiences. (Reference DVD here)

We'd need the equivalent of Jennifer Aniston - the finest Bollywood-style actress in Hollywood today - to anchor this flick. The Jennifer Aniston of India - albeit younger and lovelier - is Priyanka Chopra. We'd use Lara Dutta, Niharika Singh and Sapan Saran. There would be men in the movie too - but they're not so important.

Who could direct this? Well if What's Your Raashee does well, we should use Ashutosh Gowarikar. Yes, working with Priyanka Chopra would be a bit awkward after that unnecessary awards show opinionating, but if Raashee is a hit, that would be overlooked in a heartbeat. There is nothing like a hit to smooth over mildly ruffled feathers in Bollywood.

If Raashee bombs, then forget about Gowarikar and pick Tarun Mansukhani instead. After all you are only as good as your last hit in B-town. Hey, I don't make the rules around here.

The world's biggest makkhichoos: A Bollywood story

Aspi — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:40:00 -0700

Everyone knows what a makkhichoos is right? It's the guy who spies a makkhi in his cup of tea, fishes it out and sucks the chai out of it before discarding the insect. Basically just an extreme value shopper.

Along the same lines is 60-year-old Mukund Prabhakar Agte - a senior clerk with Western Railways who sleeps with the dead! (Times of India story in the papers - can't find an online reference). He walked out of his Dad's home at the age of 23. Unwilling or perhaps unable at that time to pay rent, he flitted from relative to relative, leaving when they demanded he pony up some expenses.

When offered suitable government-provided quarters, Agte decide to save his salary instead. He packed his wife off in a cheap place in Mangaon and came back to Mumbai where he began a fascinating life of living on the cheap.

Agte refused to pay for accomodations. He slept in crematoriums in Mahalaxmi, Marine Lines, Virar and railway platforms and footpaths. He bathed in the WR public washrooms. He ate one meal a day at the WR canteen. He lived out of a small brown bag. He visited his family only during holidays. He spent just over Rs 3,000 every month of his monthly salary of Rs 25,000. He did this for over 20 years. He just retired after 37 years of service.

There is a picture of him in ToI looking spiffy in front of VT station.

Now you could say: 'this guy is the biggest makkhichoos in the world' or 'this is an inspiring story!' or 'this is a touching tale of a man dealing with class issues' or 'this is a classic Rich Dad Poor Dad case study' or 'this is entertaining!' or 'shame on you for entertaining yourself with a story of laachaari and suffering'.

To this I say: yes! All of the above!

Which is why I am suggesting that someone in Bollywood find Agte and option the rights to his story. Give it to a screenwriter who has a post modern vision and the ability to create a story rooted in desi middle-classness. Say someone like Dibakar Banerjee - who co-wrote and directed the dazzling Oye Lucky! Lucky Oye!. These kind of stories have been done before so a reference DVD would be readily available. How about that Tom Hanks-Steven Spielberg stinker Terminal? Wait, bad example.

Nevertheless, I have some casting ideas to get this project started. We can use Ashtray Butt as Agte. Mesmerya Rai could be his abandoned wife who appears in several flash backs and dream sequences. Sullen Khan can play an eccentric ghost in the crematorium who paints and spouts philosophy. Sullen would provide comic relief and expository philosophy. He would not have to appear in any scenes with Mesmerya, but you could play up the casting coup for some extra eyeballs.

Finally we would need someone who can play the journalist who stumbles on this story and ties it all together in the movie for the audience. We need someone with a magnetic presence who radiates intelligence and is also commercially viable. Unfortunately that takes my favorite out of contention. Fortunately there is someone available who is perfect for this role and is enjoying a career resurgence of late. That's right - Brinjal!

Interpreting the most popular bogus statements in Bollywood

Aspi — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:05:00 -0700

Every Bollywood release - be it music, movies or awards shows - is accompanied by an elaborate press junket. In these press meet and greets, a number of inane questions are asked. The poorly prepared stars provide equally inane answers. The really smart stars try for a bit to give well thought out answers, realize its all futile and go back to the inane posturing.

A number of standard questions even have their standard answers. And these have all become such clichés, that the standard answers even have standard hidden meanings!

It's about time someone documented the interpretations behind the most popular bogus statements in Bollywood. Think of it as a guide to help you understand what someone might really be saying.

Cliché: Thank you, I look young because of my strict diet regimen and daily yoga routine!
The real McCoy: That Botox treatment worked out really well didn't it?

Cliché: I don't mind showing skin, but only if it is NOT cheap and vulgar!
The real McCoy: Or if opportunity is involved. Then even Rajesh Khanna pouncing on me is acceptable.

Cliché: I don't mind kissing on screen, but only if its required by the script!
The real McCoy: Yes, my last ten on-screen kisses were right there in the script and said "Required"

Cliché: I compete only with myself!
The real McCoy: Otherwise I'd be losing out all the time

Cliché: I have no problems working with Shahrukh Khan!
The real McCoy: But my boyfriend does

Cliché: Even though my role is small, its a really important one!
The real McCoy: Who am I kidding?! The only small, important roles in Bollywood are played by bikinis.

Cliché: [Insert name here] is a very organized director!
The real McCoy: He expected me to show up on the sets ON TIME!

Cliché: [Insert name here] and I are like sisters!
The real McCoy: We now have open cat fights like sisters instead of stabbing each other in the back like acquantainces

Cliché: I am taking a break!
The real McCoy: No one has offered me a film in the last six months

Cliché: I am so excited to be working in Tamil films for a change!
The real McCoy: Well, its better than taking a break, no?

Cliché: I am playing a very different role in this film - that of a stuntman!
The real McCoy: Although its a stunt man who chases skirts and does pretty much the same things I did as a club owner in my previous hit

Cliché: My movie is a full-on entertainer, but with a hatke theme
The real McCoy: Right, I play a lawyer instead of a college student - hatke no?

Cliché: My performance has been appreciated by a lot of people!
The real McCoy: I am so grateful to my family members, my close friends and my chamchaas for appreciating that stinker

Cliché: What's Aspi's Drift? Is that a new flavor of ice cream?
The real McCoy: Man, I hope he doesn't watch my new TV show and write about it. I've been checking every week until the season is over!

Kambakkht Ishq: Its all about men!

Aspi — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:01:00 -0700

There are two things about Kambakkht Ishq that you need to know.

First, avoid taking your kids to this movie. Not because of the sex and violence - both of which are quite comical and nothing that would make Disney channel regulars bat an eyelid. But because most of us have spent so much time teaching our kids about gender equality. Why turn the clock back and do untold damage to those young minds? So, avoid for kids.

Kambakkht Ishq is all about men. Don't believe me? Listen to this.

Actor: Akshay Kumar
Role: MAN slut

Akshay Kumar in a reprise of his role in Heyy Babyy - is a man slut. He sleeps around constantly. He hits on almost anyone in a skirt - unless that skirt happens to be worn by a big, black woman. He pretty much hates the opposite sex - using them as self serving objects to power his machismo. Early on in the movie, he is confronted by two girlfriends. From the sidelines Brandon Routh wonders "how will he get out of this one?". Akki's chamchaa answers "Practice!"

Akshay strikes up a near murderous relationship with Kareena but at a crucial moment has a change of heart. This change of heart is brought on by Kareena snuggling up to him in a little girl voice and seeking assurance that he is not 'like other men'. Yes, scores of other women dumped by Akshay couldn't figure out that all you had to do to tame the man was to act underage.

Actor: Kareena Kapoor
Role: MAN hater

Kareena hates men - ostensibly because of the divorces of her mum and sister, for whom she blames the men. She is a surgeon in making, paying for her med school by modelling on the side. At one point she slices and dices Akshay Kumar's lower intestines. This scene was much fun to watch although it could have been better if Akshay's lines - which were meant to be jokes - had been cut.

But with two major careers at hand, Kareena's taming and subsequent happiness requires a man. A truly worthy one at that. Who could that be? You guessed it! Man Slut!

Actor: Amrita Arora
Role: MANtally challenged

Amrita doesn't know much about men - although the same could be said about her in other areas of life. She takes advice from Kareena and withholds sex from her new husband. Later, when she discovers her husband with his pants down at a major makeout club, she inexplicably tapes almost all the objects in her house with blue plumber's tape. Don't ask!

Actor: Denise Richards
Role: Maneater

Denise Richards - the "mega" Hollywood star in this movie - plays a couger. And I say this only because she looks more trashed out than Akki himself. She strikes up a relationship with Man slut and goes shopping with him - which has since resulted in real life admiration. But because she spends most of her time sleeping with Akki - which as anyone will tell you is terribly inappropriate behavior for women - she has to dumped. At the altar, no less.

Kareena and Akki both spend some time making kachra of her in the movie. This, I admit, was fun to watch.

Actor: Sylvestor Stallone
Role: Man mower

Stallone's face in this movie looks like its been constructed from billowy cotton balls. He hands an award to Akki for Stuntman of the year - prompting a hysterical 'small town boy makes good' speech from Akshay. Later he beats up a bunch of really bad goondas who just happen to be all black men. First he pins them to a wall by pushing a car against them with his bare hands. Then he rips out a parking meter and swings it around. This earns him the undying gratitude of Kareena and Amrita.

Actor: Kiron Kher
Role: Man search engine

Kiron plays Kareena's aunt - who like any good aunt - is constantly trying to get Kareena hitched. At a crucial juncture Kiron reveals that Kareena's parents' broken relationship was her mum's fault. After some delicious overacting, Kiron delivers this bit of information out of the blue and in a trembling dialog. This, I also admit, was much fun to watch and elicited many chuckles from me.

Which brings me to the second thing you need to know. There are only two ways to really sit through this movie: consume lots of alcohol beforehand or have a friend chain you to the seat.

Fashion Revisited: The fate of Bad Girls in Bollywood

Aspi — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 17:01:00 -0700

There used to be a time in Bollywood when bad girls were depicted doing some scandalous things. These scandalous things were used not just to help us identify the bad girl but also give us an indication of the extent of her badness.

Secretly I used to dig them - the real reason I hated villains was that they had access to these girls and never quite appreciated them fully. I loved Komila Wirk. I worshipped Helen. I wanted to be Bindu's neighbor.

What did these bad girls do in movies that condemned them to a horrible fate - like say a bullet in their heaving bosoms or the leering attention of people like Madan Puri? Several things including but not limited to:

Wearing a short skirt
Showing some cleavage
Smoking a cigarette
Sipping sharaab
Doing a caberet
Possessing hazel eyes
Seductively draping self over a couch, floor or other horizontal surface
And the doozy: Cozying up to Ranjeet

These days no one would bat an eyelid if the grand behenji of Bollywood heroines - Gracy Singh herself - did all of the above. In the first half of a movie! Ok, well maybe not all of them - but you get my point.

Still as were the demands of society and cinema (or both), bad girls needed to be taught a lesson and most used to perish faster than the token black guy in Star Trek.

Sometimes they had a change of heart, but it came too late and they still had to kick the bucket - usually after taking a knife in the spleen intended for someone else.

A lot of guys who did bad things (or guys who had 'strayed' during the course of a movie) got to make a comeback and end the story with a happily ever after. This cinematic journey, sadly, wasn't available to bad girls in mass market movies. More than the gender inequality of it - I've always felt that this made for rather predictable and hence boring cinema.

Which is why, despite its unevenness, I enjoyed watching Fashion - Madhur Bhandarkar's barbed wire bouquet to the Indian Fashion industry.

Fashion has a very ghisa pita, but well tested nevertheless, story - a grounded, middle-class girl (Meghna Mathur) played by Priyanka Chopra arrives in Mumbai with dreams of becoming a super model. She struggles. She tries really hard with mixed results (this comment would also apply to Priyanka's acting).

Through a series of fortunate events (and one smoking bod) she makes it big. She compromises. She begins a downward spiral - first personally and then professionally. She unravels. Finally, down in the dumps, she takes time off to reflect. She makes a comeback.

But does she still have what it takes? Does she still have the talent to sashay about 30 steps, turn and matkofy back again? Bhais ki poonch! If only Priyanka had to land an F-16 on a skating rink or cure cancer instead. But I digress. Back to the point I was trying to make.

In Fashion, Priyanka becomes a bad girl for a while. She does innumerable bad things. Yet in the end, she is able to put it all behind her and becomes a star again. Everyone welcomes her back with open arms.

Sure there is another girl (Kangana Ranaut) who tries the same thing and meets a rather unforgiving end. And Priyanka does have to go back to being somewhat goody two shoes again before she is allowed into the cozy folds of happily ever after.

But all progress can't be measured by a yardstick. Sometimes an inch ruler has to suffice.

I realize this progress could only further reinforce the slutty girlfriend who is expected to become a virginal savitri after marriage stereotype. Which is why I'd like to make a binati to Fashion's filmmaker.

Madhur, I'd like you to make a movie called "Shaadi" - a ceremony that has reached such nutty proportions of made up riwaaz, commerce and dikhawa that its ripe for satire. I suggest at least one character who is a wild child wife who does all kinds of crazy things and totally gets away with it.

Be sure to cast Gracy Singh.

The Shiney Ahuja Defense

Aspi — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:01:00 -0700

Famous - particularly famously loopy - courtroom defenses get their own names.

Why just the other day I was watching Milk. The end credits mentioned that the lawyers of Dan White who shot San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk in 1978 put forth the theory that a bad diet of junk food had resulted in a mental imbalance in the accused. This subsequently came to be known as the Twinkie Defense.

Bollywood needs something silly and entertaining like this. And far be it from me to judge a man who still hasn't made it into court - but this whole Shiney Ahuja circus has me fascinated.

Not so much for the hoopla it is causing - charges of this nature should carry this kind of focus. But the way the press has been hounding the police and trying to get statements out of everyone. Why at one point someone even dragged Pooja Bedi in for a statement - because, you know, Pooja's sometime partner (Aditya Pancholi) had cheated on her with a maid in the past. I suspect Shiney's embattled wife was cornered into stating that rape isn't a gender issue.

While we wait for justice to bubble to the top (and I recognize justice is a subjective word by all means), a police statement about Shiney's breakdown and subsequent confession amused me no end.

Apparently after his admittance to the rape charge, Shiney was asked why he did it. He allegedly said (more or less) that he had no idea it would be such a big deal. Yes, you heard that right.

I would hereby like to name this technique The Shiney Ahuja Defense. Whenever you're in trouble, you basically say: "Crap. I had no idea I was doing something bad!"

It's extremely useful. Look at the all the ways The Shiney Ahuja Defense can be used.

"Yaar ok so I put my foot in my mouth repeatedly and insulted my leading lady. I had no idea it was such a big deal!"

"I lost my cool at my host and dumped a bunch of maa-behen gaalis on him, almost splitting up Bollywood and starting a cold war that could span a dynasty. Tau kya hua bay?!

"Its true I made out with Christian Ronaldo while I still had a boyfriend. Why is that such a big deal!?"

"Bhai, that director wouldn't make a movie with my hard earned smuggler's cash. So I had a supari taken out on him. What's the big deal!?"

"I made fun of my girlfriend and endlessly humiliated her on national TV. I had no idea that was a bad thing to do!"

The Horror! Why 13B is the best movie Ekta Kapoor never made

Aspi — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:11:00 -0700

In 13B - writer-director Vikram K. Kumar's blaring horror-thriller - Madhavan finds himself in a jam. He's an Indian male, but he can't stop watching a saas-bahu TV serial.

"It's a matter of life and death for me to watch it!" he informs his police officer friend - sweat pouring over his forehead, his eyes bugged out, his boyish charm appropriately kerfuffled.

The serial has everyone in Madhavan's apartment (the titular 13B) transfixed. No one - it seems - can stop watching it. Disaster after disaster befalls the kutumb in 13B. At one point Madhavan leaves his wife behind in critical condition and speeds through the streets of Mumbai just so he can make it to watch another episode. Yet he won't turn the darned thing off! In fact, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even hold his job down just so he can watch the serial.

Somewhere in the background you can hear Ekta Kapoor telling her minions - YEH SERIAL KI SCRIPT MUJHE KISSI BHI KEEMAT PE CHAHIYE!

Unfortunately the serial (called Sab Khariyat in the movie - but also known as 'Mother Lode' over at Balaji Telefilms) is an entirely concocted one. You see the serial is only broadcast in Madhavan's apartment. Turning the TV off is not an option - the remote doesn't work while its on. Why, one guy even has the brainwave of unplugging the TV. Nope, the serial still plays.

How can this happen, you might ask? Use your imagination! Bhoot-pret, baby!

However, telling you more will only result in spoilers that will ruin your enjoyment of this awesome guilty pleasure. Instead, I'd like to offer phaltu Drift advice to horror filmmakers (and I'm strictly talking about the genre here, not the resulting movie)

Rooting the movie in reality. Sure this whole 'lost souls' concept requires a leap of faith - kind of like superheroes. But more so in a movie that requires an audience to swallow a high concept - you have to ground everything else in as much reality as possible. Events around the high concept have to make sense.

So for example: if the neighbors of a house are nosy enough that they'd collect around the house when a new TV was being installed, they can't all become invisible when someone drags a dead body into same house. Vikram Kumar made the characters in his movie act in sensible ways, but he created such unrealistic situations that it entirely de-glossed his movie.

No expository dialog please! This has been the bane of Indian filmmakers for generations now. Its a result of assuming your audiences are dumb. Because filmmakers are afraid their audiences won't get their pecheeda plots - they offer is a scene in which a character will painstakingly paraphrase everything you've been watching and then will help you read between the lines as well. This construct almost always kills the pace of the movie.

In 13B, the grating expository scene has a bhoot talking directly to her offender via the TV. This is nuts in this day and age - the audience that doesn't get it in your movie won't be there to watch it. So why waste time and insult the rest of those who show up?

More of that great set design - but enough with the dhund! Let me put it this way: lighting a house in a spooky way - B+. Setting a smoke machine loose all over it just because you can - C.

Continue to overdo the crazy camera angles! I love this aspect of a horror movie. Often I analyze the camera angles and speculate where the surprise will come from in a shot. This time pass allows me to survive the scariest scenes. In one scene in which a bhayanak possibility is revealed, the camera starts jagging back and forth - do doubt mimicking the motion of a serial killer sawing his victim's head off.

The motivation has to match the crime. Remember Rock On!! and how a matter of fisticuffs resulted in life-long friends breaking up and ignoring each other for years? Even though it might have been known to have happened, it just doesn't look good on film. If something terrible has happened in a film, the reasons for it to have happened better be terrible. You can't have someone drive a car off a cliff just because they didn't like the color of its upholstery. Not that it happens in 13B, I'm just saying.

Also don't miss:

The trailer of 13B
13B's promo video - Madhavan prances around with red corneas and sings 'Oh Sexy Mama - won't you do the Sa Re Ga Ma" (Baba Sehgal, Anushka Manchanda, Loy Mendosa)
Vikram K. Kumar talks about the movie and how he filmed it in both Tamil and Hindi

The Drift Humanitarian Award: Sajid Wajid for Paying Guests

Aspi — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:01:00 -0700

The Bollywood strike has ended (interesting numbers quoted here). Normally given the kind of cinematic riff raff that Bollywood puts out, I wouldn't have broken my stride. But afsos, it also affected music releases.

Why, one would ask. Because music plays such a big factor in Bollywood that it kicks off the accompanying publicity junket. If a movie isn't being released, the music is also on hold.

This led to general starvation for someone like me who is more into the music than the movies. On the other hand, it presented an opportunity to catch up with everything else. Thus, I listened to my Gnarls Barkley CDs with more attention than usual. Against all odds, I fell in major like with Mandy Moore's new CD. My player chunked its way through The Ting Tings, The Kills, Metric. I discovered Kanye West. I revisited the ground breaking trip hop of Massive Attack and unique rat-a-tat percussion of Metallica. I marvelled at the manufactured fall from grace of the musicians in Tinted Windows. I even broke out my Jamiroquai CDs which I'd sworn I'd mothball forever.

All this was good - but I did keep in touch with the trickle of releases coming in from Bollywood. These movies tried to squeeze in and take advantage of the strike. Brave, opportunistic producers. I salute them - too bad their product belly flopped. I haven't seen the movies but the music was unexceptional.

However, as per Drift policy, fun must be squeezed out of any opportunity that presents itself. So I decided to hand out the Drift Bollywood Music Famine Humanitarian Award. This goes to the composers of the CD released during the strike that annoyed me the least - heck, after a few spins I even enjoyed it.

The award goes to Sajid-Wajid's work for the movie Paying Guests. This movie is an Indian comedy - yes, that means there are chaatas and cross-dressing (or I could just tell you the flick stars that doyen of Indian comedy - Celina Jaitley).

Sajid Wajid are interesting composers and hence worth a brief discussion. They are very commercial, they are excellent with hooks and they recreate the big baaja 70s era of Laxmikant Pyarelal. In other words, they are today's nod to Bollywood's musical legacy. Often their tunes settle into incredibly catchy but somewhat familiar hooks. A huge fondness for shaadi-baarat instruments pervade their musical arrangements.

It is music that is larger than life - its no coincidence that Sajid-Wajid's career skyrocketed after finding favor with Salman Khan - who projects a king-size life himself.

Paying Guests kicks off with a ditty called Jack and Jill. There are helium vocals - perfect for establishing that the music is supposed to be funny. Its definitely worth a smile after four shots of tequila. This song has two things going for it - some nifty production by Eric Pillai (including cool Island-flavored breakdowns) and the oddity by which Earl D'souza's backing vocals seem to make Shaan sound fresher than he has in years.

Wajid does vocal duties on the title song - best described as a Sajid-Wajid special: catchy, loud, playful. Here let me mention that I completely enjoy Wajid's voice and would love to hear more of it - its like someone took Mika Singh's vocal posturing, Shaan's throw and peppered it with Udit Narayan's unhurried clarity.

Sonu Nigaam - who seems to be a bit of a Sajid-Wajid favorite - sings Ya Rabula Rabbi - powered by a creamy clap percussion and easily the coolest song on the CD. I know this sounds odd to say but Sonu has the ability to inject a few smiles in his voice without compromising its quality. It works really well here. Later, Amrita Kak shows up and sings a terrific verse in a sexy, low-slung voice and pronounces the word "mehjabeen" like someone was referring to a deadly virus. Speaking of lyrics - this song's title is super misleading because clearly Sonu is singing "Yaar abbu lala me" which sounds to me like an invitation to one's father, who also happens to be one's best friend, to sing a lullaby.

Sunidhi Chauhan sings Nazar Se Nazaria - her hundredth song about a flirtatious chick who would like everyone to know how hot she is. There is a bit of rap, an Arabic flavor, plenty of Sunidhi's legendary energy - its all good. In fact, if you are a Sunidhi fan, like me, and tend to follow her work closely - there is plenty to learn here. Particularly the fact that Sunidhi pronounces certain words with a Punju accent in order to make her voice sound more kadak.

Sajid-Wajid, thanks for making this musical akaal a tolerable one!

Lambi Umariya! The Age of Bollywood Stars

Aspi — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:01:00 -0700

Because of the recent economic downturn, tech companies have been shuttering their windows faster than the new season of Dus Ka Dum seems to be heading for disaster. For a while the tech community was buzzing productively with all kinds of news.

Then the well dried up. Pretty soon all people could write about was Twitter and Facebook, an opportunity Ashton Kutcher maximized to play a silly and high profile stunt.

But soon enough the tech community ran out of things to say. Now what?

These days everyone wants to talk about the evolution of search. What's new in the world of search? Two things: Real time search, the type afforded by microblogging engines like Twitter. And Semantic Search, of which no clear leader seems to have emerged. Both areas are significant because they represent exploitable shortcomings in Google's technology today.

Say for example you want to search on that punk dude from American Idol. Google will give you tons of information. But let's say you are watching American Idol and just when someone was about to get eliminated, your TV went on the blink. You run to your computer and searched for the results. Chances are they won't be on Google. But you'll have a pretty good chance of finding it on Twitter (a pretty good Twitter search engine is Twazzup in case you'd like to try).

On to semantic search. The basic idea is this: instead of trying to figure out how good a site is simply by indexing its keywords, can a search engine create intelligent sets of data and relationships instead? This would lead to more intelligent searches. Say for example I type in "US GPD" in Google. Google will use some semantic digging to tell me it is 13.84 Trillion. But if I typed in a true blue semantic engine like the recently buzzed about WolframAlpha , things look a lot better.

How is this relevant to Bollywood? Well, let's take that age old debate for example - how old are our actors really? Using a semantic search engine, you can get the answer in one line by typing in '[star name] age'. Let's do this in WolframAlpha, shall we? Remember, because the engine is new and it takes time to index the Internet, you won't get information on every star. But you will on the popular ones.

Typing 'Akshay Kumar Age' in Wolfram will tell you his exact age (based on available online information of course). Type in 'Akshay Kumar' and you'll also learn that his real name is - bhais ki poonch! - Rajiv Hari-Om Bhatia.

Now all of this stuff is out on the Internet already. But like any good search engine, a semantic search engine will bring you what you need at your fingertips with spiffy guesswork.

Give a kid a BB gun and what happens? He sprays every wall in sight. Given this nutty controversy about "Bollywood Generations" that erupted recently at Cannes between Aishwarya and Sonam Kapoor, I thought it would be appropriate to compare everyone's ages. Yes, this is intrusive. But it's also interesting!

I restricted my list to famous actors in leading roles - I made an exception for my favorite Himesh Reshammiya and my favorite Star Kid lookalike Karishma Kapoor. I divided my lists by gender.

For kicks I calculated the average age for each gender list. The gap between leading men and women is about 8 years. It surprised me - I was expecting it to be much bigger!

But when you look closely you realize what's been happening. A few focussed actresses have been able to extend their career leases for a bit longer (Madhuri, Tabu, Aish, Kajol) raising the average age of women, while a number of younger actors have been breaking into the upper ranks of Bollywood - thanks to the highly upjau Star Kids system - bringing the average age of the male pool down.

The Men
Average Age: 38

	Amitabh Bachchan October 11, 1942 66
	Govinda December 21, 1958 50
	Sanjay Dutt July 2, 1959 49
	Aamir Khan March 14, 1965 44
	Shahrukh Khan November 2, 1965 43
	Salman Khan December 27, 1965 43
	Ajay Devgun April 2, 1967 42
	Akshay Kumar September 9, 1967 41
	Bobby Deol January 27, 1970 39
	Saif Ali Khan August 16, 1970 38
	John Abraham December 17, 1972 36
	Arjun Rampal November 26, 1972 36
	Himesh Reshammiya July 23, 1973 36
	Hrithik Roshan January 27, 1974 35
	Farhan Akhtar January 9, 1974 35
	Fardeen Khan March 8, 1974 35
	Akshaye Khanna March 28, 1975 34
	Abhishek Bachchan February 5, 1976 33
	Vivek Oberoi September 3, 1976 32
	Emraan Hashmi March 24, 1979 30
	Shahid Kapoor February 25, 1981 28
	Neil Nitin Mukesh January 15, 1982 27
	Imraan Khan January 13, 1983 26
	Ranbir Kapoor September 28, 1982 26

The Women
Average Age: 30

	Madhuri Dixit May 15, 1967 42
	Tabu November 4, 1970 38
	Aishwarya Rai November 1, 1973 35
	Karishma Kapoor June 25, 1974 34
	Preity Zinta January 31, 1975 34
	Kajol August 5, 1974 34
	Shilpa Shetty June 8, 1975 33
	Kareena Kapoor September 21, 1977 31
	Rani Mukherjee March 21, 1978 31
	Vidya Balan January 1, 1978 31
	Lara Dutta April 16, 1978 31
	Bipasha Basu January 7, 1979 30
	Soha Ali Khan October 4, 1978 30
	Konkana Sen Sharma December 3, 1979 29
	Esha Deol November 2, 1982 27
	Mallika Sherwat October 24, 1981 27
	Amrita Rao June 17, 1981 27
	Priyanka Chopra July 18, 1982 26
	Katrina Kaif July 16, 1984 24
	Asin October 26, 1985 24
	Sonam Kapoor June 9, 1985 24
	Deepika Padukone January 5, 1986 23
	Kangana Ranaut March 23, 1987 22
	Genelia D'Souza August 5, 1987 21

Also:

Anon says Mallika's 37 according to her family, Kareena's got to be 27, 28 and how come Genelia is only 21 - she's been working for years
Kangana, 22? Hmmm says meena
A correction from magdalena about Hrithik's age
It strikes Kokanad has funny that the Khans are all the same age
Does Bollywood add age to the women's faces or are they really that young wonders Deepa
Why do men enter movies so late asks Mind Rush
Lin digs into Kareena's real age
Kareena and Rani are the same age? Amrita is confounded
Even Mallika has given up pretending to be in the twenties by Hridya

The Bollywood Strike: How a new US model could help test the waters

Aspi — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:05:00 -0700

The Bollywood multiplex strike has far reaching implications on the economy of India's biggest industry.

It's not the first time this has happened either. Last year India's premier production house Yash Raj Films had a similar standoff - albeit smaller - that saw them take the misguided stance of releasing their much anticipated movie Tashan in standalone cinemas (i.e. cinema halls with single screens). The result: a high profile flame out that put the brakes on the careers of Saif and Kareena and began Akshay Kumar's alarming slide at the box office.

In its current form the strike is hurting a slew of good releases - hugely screwing the creative team behind each of these movies - potentially throttling or derailing careers (is that Akshay sobbing in the back that I hear?)

Just in case you need a recap and don't have time to read this great Strike tutorial, here is what has transpired.

Producers: We should be getting 50% of ticket receipts!
Multiplex owners: Hell no and why now anyway?
Producers: Because we are hurting. It costs more money to make flicks these days.
Multiplex owners: But you guys still deliver enough flops that we need to make money off the big hits to cover our expenses!
Producers: So how would 50% hurt?
Multiplex owners: Ok, how about we share more if the movie is a hit and less if it flops
Producers: Given our track record this is a bad idea. But aren't you making money off sales of those diamond encrusted samosas?
Multiplex owners: Who told you they were diamond encrusted?
Producers: We took a guess based on their price!
Multiplex owners: You're wrong and we don't make enough money off them because they are quadruple fried and the price of oil has gone up.
Producers: What about the money you make off parking?
Multiplex owners: The mall owners take that - haven't you done your homework?

Stalemate.

But there is a way to test the waters with a different distribution model. You can try it right here in the US. It's almost guaranteed to work. And Bollywood producers have virtually nothing to lose.

Recently I was invited by a composer pair to check out a movie for which they had composed the background score. The movie - a scary flick starring a veteran who chaffs at being still called a "newcomer" - wasn't playing in theaters. I realized I had three options: (1) order some pissy Shemaroo type copy (if I can find it) and wait for it to arrive (yawn!) (2) go buy a (pirated) copy for $2 at the local store or (3) ask my friend to download a (pirated) copy for me. Then pray the copy won't suck outright in all cases.

Needless to say, any which way I looked, the best options ended up with me and a pirated copy spending an evening together.

Hold that thought while we discuss another bit of economics at play. To understand this part, it helps to have a decent grip on The Long Tail phenomenon in ETail. (Read at least the introduction and first chapter of this groundbreaking book if you are interested).

The basic idea is this: although conventional wisdom says you need to sell a lot of a little to make money (the 80/20 principle), there is just as much money in selling a lot of a lot (i.e. the long tail). For the first time in retail history, the latter scenario is viable thanks to the Internet.

What is the biggest problem with Bollywood multiplex releases in the US?

Its only viable in cities with a high density of desi people (the primary Bollywood goers). In cities with a smattering of desis, keeping a Bollywood movie on a screen - even for a limited time - is not financially viable. By going the traditional (multiplex) route, producers lose out on all these small niche desi audiences all over the world. I am willing to bet these micro-markets add up to a lot of money. The only problem is - how do you deliver your movie effectively to these people without having to rent a theater?

The answer, of course, is staring every Bollywood producer in the face: its called Online Video (or if you under 15 - its called YouTube). Online Video took off a few years ago. Last year it became a commodity play. This year, there will be a shakeout. Next year - it will become a platform that every retailer will be able to embed in their online offering. Many are already doing it.

Legal, online (streaming or downloadable), on-demand Bollywood movies is a great idea. Its one I would pay up to $8 a pop for - more for a movie with Bips in it. It can be delivered anywhere to the desi diaspora. You have much better control over the quality of your product. And it'll give the pirated DVD market a serious run for its money.

My phaltu Drift advice to the Bollywood producers is this: don't wait for Hollywood to bring everything to you. You can leapfrog Hollywood here - and the economics are in your favor. There are several models available.

Strike a deal with Netflix, digitize all your flicks and take a cut for every stream or download. Strike the same deal with Blockbuster Online.

Strike a similar deal with Comcast On Demand and have copies delivered to DVRs.

Stick the damn thing on the terrific Hulu.com, break up the movie in chunks and make money off ads in and around the movie. (Google will be more than happy to strike a deal for their InVideo product)

The only fall out (other than the fact that someone will have to do some smart, creative business development) is that this will piss off US multiplex owners. Bully for you, I say.

Multiplexes - if they don't reinvent themselves - are going down in any case. Work out a deal with them where you give them two weeks (the average run time of a Hindi movie in theaters in the US) before you make online streaming available.

There might be one more excuse - you can't reach your largest audience (India) effectively with any of these models because enough people aren't online with cheap, fast connections yet. Fair enough. But you can still make enough money off international audiences with this model. The cost of entry is falling literally on a quarterly basis. Early momentum in this space will set the studios up nicely when the burgeoning number of Indians going online reaches critical mass.

And guess what it'll take to start delivering the same content and quality to new Indian audiences?

That's right - almost (next to) nothing!

Rock On!! Revisited: I love you, man!

Aspi — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:06:00 -0700

Often I'll get asked this question: did you like (the 2008 Bollywood hit) Rock On? And right after I say with much honesty, "Why yes, I very much did" I'll get asked "What is it about that movie that people like so much?"

After acknowledging that there is a legion out there that was left cold by the movie, I always come up with something inarticulate and muddled. But I recently watched the DVD with my sons that seemed to clear my thoughts. The reason is entirely because I was able to connect it to another piece of entertainment I had consumed just a week before.

A few weeks ago I picked up Sean Murphy's graphic novel Off Road - a helter skelter retelling of a spiraling, madcap road trip. "Off Road" is the story of three long-time friends who take a newly acquired Jeep into the wild and end up stuck in the woods with no help in sight. Along the way, there is the somewhat rote subplots of friendship being tested and selves being discovered. But what makes the whole thing super entertaining is that Murphy allows us to wallow in the dude-ness of his tale. Its a book about men and men behaving like boys, period. No compromises.

Sean Murphy - who has credits like Batman and Star Wars - is a terrific artist. Operating in black and white, switching between the urgent scrapes of an ink nib and the more lush lines of a brush, Murphy is able to portray a gamut of emotions on his characters faces. When he pans out upwards to depict a scene from overhead - something he does quite often in his book - coolness abounds!

So back to Rock On!!, which I decided to screen for the family after having seen it once before. A quick note - RO is a reasonably safe movie for kids to watch. There are two minor infractions - a gesture that mimics copulation and a reference to drug abuse. They are fleeting - I don't think my sons picked up either.

You could say RO is about a lot of things: about holding on to your passion, about second chances, about never giving up, about music, about friendship. I'd like to make the case that RO works entirely because of its dude-ness.

There are four guys at the heart of RO. All of them reject the straitjacketed life they have been socialized into to connect back with their friends and their dude-ness. And they go do exactly what they did before they were shackled down into being family men.

Farhan Akhtar (Aditya) resolves a marriage on the rocks by going back to being a dude. Luke Kenny (Rob) rises momentarily above his impending demise by embracing the dude life again. Purab Kohli (Kedar), well, never stops being a dude. Arjun Rampal (Joe) walks away from a steady paying job and his wife to let his hair loose and stroke his guitar (metaphor alert!) among friends. Lest we forget, just as his ball buster of a wife crumbles (it is to Shahana Goswami's credit that she manages to pull everyone in her corner in a thankless role), he is egged on to reclaim his back slapping dude-ness by his son - clearly a dude in the making.

The movie itself ends slyly. Life ends well in dude-land. Everyone lands somewhere safe and profitable (except poor Rob who bites the dust - well someone has to die otherwise there is no lasting bittersweetness.) Yes, everyone is married and has responsibilities - but every weekend those can be forgotten as dudes romp around like they did before.

Fair enough, you may argue - but how does that explain why women loved the movie? Despite the fact that Prachi Desai (Sakshi) provides a tried and tested hook for women (supportive, loving sati savitri out to save her husband from himself), I'm not quite sure they organically did.

Jai Matadi Lets Rock! The Greatest Hits of Himesh Reshammiya

Aspi — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:03:00 -0700

Now that Sa Re Ga Ma Pa is off the air and my gujju brother is focusing on his acting career - opportunities to enjoy the music of Himesh Reshammiya have become limited. This has saddened me immensely because I remain a monster fan of Himanshu's music and an even bigger fan of his manic personality.

Sure Himesh gets a lot of flack from industry insiders and outsiders alike. But the fact that his ability to connect with the masses is held against him riles me to a certain degree. What!? The people who make money off the masses are too sophisticated to be liked by them now? Is Bollywood becoming so incestous that only insider taalis count?

At times like this, in order to deal with my Himesh withdrawal, I fall back on tried and tested play lists such as this one to tide me through until the next Himesh darshan.

12. O Soniya - Ishq Hai Tumse (2004)
Singers: Udit Narayan, Alka Yagnik
Bipasha Basu + Himanshu = Drift Heaven. I was so obsessed with House Music at the turn of the millennium that I stopped listening to Hindi music altogether. Years later, I picked up the soundtrack to Ishq Hai Tumse on a friend's recommendation. I heard this song. I was hooked! Bollywood had found its perfect cheesy match.

11. Aashiq Banaya Aapne - Aashiq Banaya Aapne (2005)
Singer: Himesh
A year later Himesh decides "Enough is enough!" and unleashes his unique sufi voice on an unsuspecting public. It was House Sufi well before music companies in India saw Harsdeep Kaur win Junoon and realized they were sitting on top of a largely untapped market.

10. Aapki Kashish - Aashiq Banaya Aapne (2005)
Singers: Himesh, Ahir
The first of many Himesh hits that Bollywood super starlet Tanushree gyrated to. A triumph for Himesh, Aashiq vaulted him into the play lists of anya clubs and into the hearts of rickshawallahs all over the nation.

9. Sarfaroshi Meri - Tom, Dick And Harry (2006)
Singer(s): Himesh, Tulsi Kumar
Quintessential Himesh - surrounded by women, hairline protected by his cap, funky faux-American accent, Tulsi somewhere nearby and a bunch of photogenic B-movie actors embroiled in a dance-drama.

8. Masha-allah - Karzzzz (2008)
Singer: Himesh
Often if you hear someone other than Himesh sing his compositions, you become acutely aware of their beauty. Masha-allah is one of those songs - delicately gorgeous and romantically reverent.

7. Yeh Tera Mera Milna - Aap Ka Surroor (2007)
Singer: Himesh, Shreya Ghoshal
Himesh stunned everyone with his debut film, which chomped through box office receipts like there was no tomorrow. Of his many hits from the movie - most of which leave me cold - this song never fails to get my attention. Himesh's formula of composing even ballads on top of mid-tempo beats works really well here. Himesh sings this romantic song essentially like an anthem to heart break - thus giving the song a unique sense of doom.

6. Prem Rog - Maine Pyar Kyun Kiya (2005)
Singers: Kamaal Khan, Alka Yagnik
Himesh keeps himself out of this song - but then goes and casts Alka Yagnik and Kamaal Khan. It's like sparing the rod but poisoning the child. Still, Prem Rog remains a terrific composition and its a great chance to watch Sushmita Sen mount a serious challenge to the title of Greatest Indian Overactor.

5. Meri Chandi Tu - Silsiilay (2005)
Singers: Sunidhi Chauhan, Suzanne Dmello, Kailash Kher
One of Mum's favorite songs - so it has to make the list. Himesh made one of his most foot tapping songs, but strangely gave it so little programming love that it's not complex enough to last in one's memory. Its Himesh's little song that could. Plus, I'm sure it probably features prominently on Kailash's resume.

4. Tutiya - Shaadi Se Pehle (2006)
Singers: Daler Mehndi
Built entirely around Daler's bravura singing, Tutiya is the essential heart break song in any Himesh collection. Many of Himesh's weaknesses - too much synth, over-reliance on percussion break beats, spare production that drags at times - are plainly in sight. But because Himesh can put together a great tune, he creates a memorable song.

3. Jumme Raat - Phir Hera Phir (2006)
Singer: Himesh
Easily one of my favorite songs. Composed around delicate tablas, a sarangi lick and tambourine percussion - Jumme Raat is superbly infectious. It's propulsive melody took me entirely by surprise when I first heard it. It still continues to surprise me.

2. Shabe Firaq - Chup Chup Ke (2006)
Singers: Himesh, Tulsi Kumar
One of Himesh's defining songs, although it doesn't get enough recognition. Listen closely and you'll see how his uncanny ability to compose a lilting tune rescues him over the most mundane of beats. Also on display: his ability to use mix instruments with panache and drama. But then he had to go and sing it.

1. I Wanna Make Love - Aitraaz (2004)
Singer: Sunidhi Chauhan
Purely for entertainment value, nothing beats this song. Terrific tune, great musical arrangements and Priyanka wrapping herself alternately around Akshay Kumar and the floor in one uncut, whirling shot. And the fun began after that. Often performed on reality shows - much to the inexplicable chagrin of the judges - this song is known on the Drift as the Asha Bhonsle Mood Buster.

Also:
Pappu adds the following to Himesh's best
Aawan Akhiyan Jawan Akhiyan - Ahista Ahista
Ishq Ne Tere Ishq Ne - Ahista Ahista
Kitna Pyar Karte Hain - Banaras

Kamal says this song is probably's Himesh's best
Main Jahaan Rahoon - Namastey London

F*** My Life by guest blogger Sullen Khan

Aspi — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 16:01:00 -0800

Hello, hello, hello! I am Sullen Khan, Bollywood macho he-man superstar. I am the son of the famous writer Sell'em Khan . My brothers are Bollywood actors: surely you've heard of Afarce and Travail, although they only seem funny when they are together. That happened once. And yes, I'll admit it - I have anger management issues.

I have a girlfriend who is the hottest chick in Indian films today - roop ki rani Ballerina Waif, or as I call her pyaar se - Ball. But I still get bent out of shape whenever my ex gets mentioned.

Why just the other day Sawan Kumar Takla stopped by. I asked him: "How are you Takla Sir?"

He said: "Bas, Aish hai!"

I beat him up black and blue. I was so mad that he took my exe's name that I even forgot to take off my shirt before commencing the pitaai.

This is how it is with me. I am extremely passionate. People say I'm a dunderhead. Actually I am an intense person with many interests. For example, I am quite good at painting. Asian Paints is my favorite. Did you know that I love watching Hollywood classics? Ok, I'll admit I only watch the steamier ones - but still I watch the classics. Just the other day I saw the famous movie Shaving Ryan's Privates. Woo hoo, it was hot!

Its just that I'm so intelligent that I'm often misunderstood.

Let's start with my relationship with Ball. Its such a good one, I've decided to stick with it. But Ball refuses to understand me. Just the other day, she walked into the study - or as I like to call it: the daroo ka adda.

I knew from her expression she was in the mood to "talk".

"Sullen" she said "We need to talk!" What did I tell you?

I replied: "What do you call a ball that surprises you every time? ...Fast ball!"

Ball didn't even crack a smile. "I love you Sullen" she said "But we can't go on like this!"

Again, I tried: "What do you call a ball that looks like Sullen's girl? ...Adoraball!"

Ball rolled her eyes: "Sullen! You have got to stop being a joker all the time! When will you get serious about us!!"

My last attempt was a little loud: "What do you call a ball WHO won't let HER MAN be HIMSELF? ...BALL AND CHAIN!"

Ball stormed out of the room.

You see? Even my mashooka doesn't get me.

A few months ago that tool Starlook got into a huge fight with me. This was on Ball's birthday. Sure I was a little sloshed (it was after 4pm for God's sake) and I was saying something bhulla bura about Starlook's flop TV show. But still he shouldn't have mentioned my ex. I lost it - I had to defend HER honor. Yet what did people say? Sullen is behaving badly again.

Thankfully there are some bright spots in my life: my television show Bas Khatam was a huge hit! Why Webster India has announced that they will enter my pronunciation of the word "prashna" in the dictionary as a completely new word. I'm making waves even in academia!

Then Baal Tackyhai praised me for a being a model Indian Muslim.

Now yes, some of my films flopped. Particularly that God Tussi Fake Ho. But why are people blaming ME for it? Let me ask you this: who played the title character in the film? Abitter Bachchan, no? Then why blame me for it?? The film flopped because of his thanda performance. You could blame the copied plot, the bad script, the unfunny jokes. But did that stop Partner from minting money? No! So the problem has to be Abitter.

Then there was that Flopraaj disaster. This one also I'm not to blame for. I mean, this was a Rehash Ghai movie that I had to do because Ball wanted to work with the man. Paagal ladki. We all know Rehash hasn't had a hit since Defect Oberoi got laid by a decent chick.

Chal chhod yaar, kya farak painda hai? Dogs will bark and the lion will yawn. But when the lion roars all the monkeys will run for cover. Did I mention I also write jhakaas dialogs.

No? Well yes I do.

Stick around, I'm full of surprises.

Idea for title from the fascinatingly addictive fmylife.com

Billu Barber is full of lessons in star power (but it's not how you think)

Aspi — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 15:42:00 -0800

Why is Billu such a great vehicle for Shahrukh Khan's second shot production shingle - Red Chillies Entertainment? Several good reasons.

Red Chillies is a production house that's got a lot of momentum, but not most of it is financial. In terms of revenue, its still in its infancy. Its produced four movies before - Main Hoon Na (2004), Kaal and Paheli (2005) and Om Shanti Om (2007). Outside of Main Hoon Na and OSO, none of them have been major money spinners. (Red Chillies has also acquired rights to another eight movies bringing its back catalog to 12 movies.)

At some point an actor collapses under his own box office weight. And strange things start happening. Remember back when Tom Cruise hit his $20m paychecks and filmmakers felt compelled to put him in virtually every frame in order to do paisa vasool? Great projects passed him by because he was just not affordable. Similar stuff started happening to people like SRK and Aamir a while ago.

At this point you are left with two options: cut a back end revenue deal - like say SRK taking all the overseas profits on Kal Ho Na Ho. This allows you to drop your price and make yourself financially viable for a number of projects without resorting to acting for scale. Or you start producing your own movies, which as it turns out is not only a really good tax shelter, but great for hiding all that cash from the Chhota Shakeels of the industry.

Red Chillies is SRK exercising option 2, not that he wasn't straining at the leash on this before. When you go this route and are successful enough, eventually you come to a crossroads. You want to start expanding by producing more flicks - but SRK can't act in all of them. At the same time, you can't drum up the kind of cash you need if you make a movie and ignore your hottest property - SRK himself.

Billu is a happy marriage of both. You get SRK, but the movie doesn't revolve around his performance. You get the financial viability and built in marketing that comes with an SRK junket, but you are getting your feet wet with other actors. Its one of the two most striking things about this movie when you watch it. I'll get to the second in a bit. But in Billu, SRK appears fleetingly in the driving narrative of the movie, he is only called on to deliver by director Priyadarshan in one of two scenes at the end, the first of which I am happy to say he nails with facility.

I'll summarize my impression of Billu with this line: its a clever story but its a clunky script. First a brief synopsis. In Billu, the titular um, hairstylist (Irfan Khan) may or may not be friends with superstar Sahil (SRK). SRK comes to Billu's village to shoot his movie. The entire town, drawn into SRK's celebrity, puts Billu on a pedestal.

So why is that a clever story? Because it makes a larger statement about the perils of fame and the deeper meaning of friendship. And the movie makes its point by constantly referencing the shallow interactions that accompany celebrity. Taken against the content of SRK's recent guest scene in Luck By Chance - you can tell why this story must have drawn him in.

But the problem is that every one-trick pony - like the plot of Billu - needs a bunch of really nifty subplots and conflicts to keep us entertained until the big Hail Mary happens in the end. And Billu, sadly, doesn't have any.

The second thing of note that kept me entertained in the movie was the jaw dropping production design. Billu takes place in a village - and we all know how hard it is to film in those. You either get over-staged sets - which make rural backdrops a little too sanitized, or you get the rough and tumble that prevents the camera from framing the shots with the care they deserve.

But in Billu, the amount of detail to set design and construction is so intricate and its been pulled off so exquisitely, that it makes the entire movie pop. In one fleeting shot of the bustling town square at night, the village is lit up with bulbs that must have taken hours to place in the exact right spots. The village temple had been lit with recessed lighting, making it stand out against the night.

Some shots are inserted in place - but most of the action is in a prepped rural setting. Colors and colorful extras are sprinkled across shots expertly, giving the entire backdrop of Billu a very vivid, immersing sense of place. Sure its a little odd that the team washed down the streets to simulate recent rain, but left everything else dry - yet the fact that they went through all that effort was heart warming. Add to that the sweeping, gorgeous photography of V. Manikandan (a man who's not afraid to wield that crane and has the patience to build his shots) and the entire thing looks fabulous.

Billu might revolve around a superstar, but its real star is its production design.

What the stars say: Predicting the future of Bollywood

Aspi — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:06:00 -0800

For long I've read anya jyotish's predict the future of the stars in all kinds of respectable newspapers. I've come away absolutely amazed at the accuracy with which they have been able to predict the future. When their predictions fall flat, I've noted that its always because someone didn't do what they should have (like add an extra R or some such).

Eager to get some first hand knowledge of this amazing science, I decided to interview my very own aunt - none other than TigerMaasi, jyotish to several starlets and a small time politician or two.

Aspi: Hi TigerMaasi, thanks for doing an interview with the Drift.
TigerMaasi: What newspaper is this?

Aspi: Its a blog
TigerMaasi: Whatever! You want to know why you've lost all your hair? Your Saturn has been in a bad mood for years.

Aspi: No, TigerMaasi, I want to hear from you what the future holds for some of your favorite Bollywood stars.
TigerMaasi: Anything for my favorite nephew. Who should we do first?

Aspi: How about Salman Khan?
TigerMaasi: That boy is ruled by the number 9, the fiery Mangal, planet of boundless energy. This makes him impetuous, accident-prone, stubborn and inflexible. He also has a penchant for taking his shirt off!

Aspi: Wow, you can read all this from his kundli?
TigerMaasi: No, I read all this in Filmfare. But I will tell you this: if you add up the names of his hits in the last three years and multiply it by 10 you get 2010. He will turn 45 that year. These powerful numbers indicate he will get married then.

Aspi: To Katrina Kaif?
TigerMaasi: Most likely. If not Katrina, some other girl then.

Aspi: Really. But he'll get married for sure?
TigerMaasi: Well if he announces it. Otherwise it could be a secret wedding somewhere that he won't announce.

Aspi: Uh, isn't that a little too convenient for a prediction?
TigerMaasi: Astrology is all about making lives convenient for people.

Aspi: What about your other favorite Akshay Kumar?
TigerMaasi: Akshay is 42. Add his name to the year 2009 and you get 29. This is very good!

Aspi: Are you using real Math?
TigerMaasi: Be quiet you young whippersnapper. It wasn't long ago that I was changing your diapers.

Aspi: Very well. Will he get over Chandni Chowk to China?
TigerMaasi: Didn't I just say 2009 is a great year for him? Chandni Chowk will be a huge hit.

Aspi: But Chandni Chowk already came out and blew chunks at the box office
TigerMaasi: Akshay's birthday is on September 9. If you add CC2C, you get 9 again. So his next movie will be a hit.

Aspi: I don't understand any of this!
TigerMaasi: That's why YOU are interviewing ME, no? We sent you to vilayat for studies. Nothing you have learn or what?!

Aspi: How about Saif?
TigerMaasi: That gora bachcha is 39, adding to 3, which is Jupiter - planet of wealth. If he acts in a film about fast cars and cash, he'll have a huge hit on his hands.

Aspi: That was Race early last year!
TigerMaasi: Just shows you how good I am! Is it on DVD yet and does Saif take his shirt off?

Aspi: Yes to both
TigerMaasi: Hot dog!

Aspi: What about this year for Saif?
TigerMaasi: Saif will be 40 this year. 4 is his lucky number. So we can expect him to do well this year also.

Aspi: Will he marry Kareena?
TigerMaasi: (snorts) I hope not! What will he hold on to?

Aspi: Will anyone have a bad year? Shahrukh? Ritwick? Aishwarya?
TigerMaasi: SRK will be 44 - which adds up to 8. This represents Shani which always brings SRK bad luck. His health might suffer next year.

Aspi: He smokes a lot so you think he might have issues with that?
TigerMaasi: Or worse. His face may break out into pimples.

Aspi: Aishwarya?
TigerMaasi: Ah, lovely girl. Her name adds to 50 or 5 which is the same as AB Baby's.

Aspi: Shouldn't you use real names for numerology?
TigerMaasi: Wake up and smell the patti chai! Everyone is modernizing - we have started using nicknames. Whatever works! Aish will give a jhakaas performance in Mani Ratnam's Raavana next year.

Aspi: Any predictions for some of the other stars? Sonu Nigam? Himesh Reshammiya? Vishal and Shekhar?
TigerMaasi: Who are these people and what have they got to do with Bollywood? Stop wasting my time. Interview is over. Now do you want me to make your favorite bread pudding or no?

Career heat - 800o Farhan-heit: But why is Farhan Akhtar the star who shouldn't have been?

Aspi — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:01:00 -0800

Farhan Akhtar has been entrenched in Bollywood as one of its leading lights for a while now. His directorial debut (Dil Chahta Hai) is still regarded as one of the finest introductions of a new talent behind the camera in Hindi cinema. His work as a writer and producer long made him an emerging force.

But something funky happened with a movie called Rock On!! last year in which Farhan played the lead actor. A lot of people went nuts for him - for his work in front of the camera. This year, accolades have poured in for Farhan's second major release as a lead - his sister Zoya's insider nosh: Luck by Chance.

All of a sudden Farhan Akhtar, actor, is having a moment.

And by all accounts, he shouldn't be.

He has a pensive, hang dog presence - it waffles somewhere between matinee idol and intellectual bagal thela types. But its not arresting by any means. He has distinctly un-starry hair, a curly dark mop top that neither flies nor flops in requisite, star-making slo-mo shots. His body language is awkward. His dancing ability is cute but will test choreographers. May the millions of Farhanites forgive me for saying this: he's a somewhat inflexible actor. And then there is the matter of that acoustically speckled voice.

So why exactly is Farhan suddenly negotiating roads littered with prostrated fans and hard loving adjectives?

Your strengths can often be your weaknesses. In Farhan's case, it also works the other way.

Let's start with that awkward body language and presence although to understand this best, you need to watch him on TV, preferably when he's invited as a guest on a show. Zero in on him and you notice that he connects easily with the emotion of a moment. When he does, he gives it his full attention. Even when he's saying something rote, you can feel his sincerity.

Over time when you have to smile through enough meet and greets borne of obligation, you tend to get jaded and develop a bunch of cliched ticks, adas and phrases as armor against losing your self-esteem. Farhan seems to be walking through the jaded valley with minimal damage. His reward is that his audience connects with the intensity he still retains.

How about the acting bit? Of all the critics who understand Farhan's limitations, perhaps no one knows them better than the man himself. But Farhan has had a great to good degree of control over all his starring vehicles so far. This allows him to mold his role or at least understand the context well enough that he can adjust his performance well.

There is no better example of this than the audition scene in Luck by Chance. Farhan has understood that scene so well, including the person to person transitions in which he's involved - that he conveys a gamut of emotions with as little drama as possible. Post-editing, his minimalism feels pitch-perfect.

Let's get down to the geekiness. In my opinion there is no better actor in India today than Siddarth who wraps geekiness around star jhatkas. But unlike Siddarth who reclaims starry cliches, Farhan completely shuns them. Coupled with his lack of inhibition for playing complex characters - primarily introverted, often decent, often self-serving and sometimes deserving of a good talking to - it humanizes him. People will tell me: 'With Farhan I feel like he's playing a real person!'

To his credit, he pulls off roles that wouldn't survive a serious elevator pitch. He can play the lead singer in a rock band as a thinking, professorial types instead of a charismatic extrovert and make it work. He can play a struggling, no-name actor who replaces a megastar in a major flick on the backs of an unlikely miracle and make it work.

In another era, Farhan would have become an Amol Palekar - banished to a handful of kurta romances of a 'serious' nature. But the urbanization of India has opened up Bollywood dramatically - allowing a slew of films to become viable in which actors like Farhan can find a place.

Films that took chances like these were called 'experimental cinema' (rather unfairly) in that era and confined to obscure metro theaters. Hatke cinema is now popcorn fare. And Farhan Akhtar is its crown prince.

Farhan's Photos by Abheet Gidwani for Excel Entertainment.
And Devika, thanks!

Rab Ne Bana Di Story

Aspi — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:00:00 -0800

Even though I pick Hindi movies to watch with great care, I'll still end up watching a few that blow. Or a decent one that drags. And so I've devised ways to entertain myself while watching movies. Often I'll have flights of fancy. I'll develop a conspiracy theory. I'll try to imagine what the writer might have been thinking and try to guess the next plot twist. And before you know it, three hours have whizzed by and I walk out all happy.

I'm not trying to imply that the well-meaning Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi sucked, although there were moments when I wished I was in the Bahamas instead. And even though I wasn't looking for a story within the story, the big entity upstairs decided to give me one. Here is how it worked.

In RBNJ, Shahrukh Khan plays two characters - both are the same person, but different persona. As Suri, he plays a bespectacled, unspectacular "common man" - kind of like those that inhabited R. K. Laxman cartoons, but with more hair. And he also plays SRK, although here he calls himself Raj Kapoor. Caught in between is poor Anuskha Sharma, played like a ping pong by the two Shahrukhs. In the end there is much drama as she must choose, but I'm getting off track here.

Somewhere in the second half is Roop Kumar Rathod's romantic lullaby Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai . Chasmis Khan and Flashy Khan both sing this song in turns. When Chasmis Khan is singing in an awkward, affectionate way, Anushka barely notices him and repeatedly walks right past him. But when Flashy Khan takes the stage and does the "pelvic Indian dance", Anuskha is instantly charmed and throws him a look of endearment or two.

Chasmis Khan is Aditya Chopra in my Rab Ne Bana Di Story. Flashy Khan is some phataka new director like Murugadoss . Anuskha is the Indian audience. I know its a stretch, but who can question what the Rab has in store for you?

Ghajini and RBNJ both opened close to each other in theaters - pitting the two maharathis of the Indian box office - Shahrukh and Aamir Khan - directly against one another. Ghajini raked in the moolah, RBNJ was a modest hit.

Ghajini director Murugadoss did balle balle all over his film - filling it with rapid edits, cutting on action, camera shakes, one superb fast motion scene and variable speed. He was trying to grab eyeballs by sheer visual momentum. It was Youth Film Making for the B4U generation.

In RBNJ, director Aditya Chopra is relatively fuddy duddy with his technique. He stages each shot with care - not resorting to any post production effects to punch up the scene. He trusts his story enough that he allows himself to tell it. Ironically enough the flashiest moments in the movie come in a scene that is an homage to Yash Raj Films' Dhoom 2 - the mother of all flashy flicks.

This is purely my opinion but Aditya is a better writer than he is a director. He infuses RBNJ with some nifty layers - there is a standout scene in which an inebriated Flashy Khan taunts (a replica of) Chasmis Khan and threatens to steal his wife from him. If anything Aditya's turns of plot need polish and appear to be a little out of touch with the zeitgeist.

So while watching the movie I couldn't help but think that this entire contraption is a device to tell us about the crossroads Indian Films find themselves at. There is the old school style of film making (see for example Hollywoodland) - sober, quiet, endearing and faithful to its audience. And then there is the new style full of audio and visual shimmies, brought on by a generation of filmmakers who cut their teeth on commercials (see for example Death Race). Which is the style that will define the memories of an entire generation of Hindi film goers?

Aditya's female lead spends all her time ignoring sober Bollywood and finding pleasure in flashy Bollywood. And what happens in the end? Well, if you were Aditya, how would you end your story?